& Dad having a hard time dealing with your orientation?
the relationship going? Not as well as you would like?
I came out to most people in my life in the
past three years and have been dating men for the past six. Much
to my surprise, I have had a gazillion dates in the past few years and
have had several long-term incredible relationships. I was introduced
to an incredible man about a year and a half ago and I love everything
about him...except for his height. He's 3-4 inches shorter than me
and I think that I am totally shallow because I cannot get over his, or
rather my, height problem. I
have tried to overcome this problem but I
love reaching up to kiss a lover, not down. I have only dated
and been attracted to men 6'0" and taller in the past. I don't want to
let him slip by but I feel that I should end things now so as to not hurt
him in the future. How can I overcome this? Thanks for
a great column.
Mentally Vertically Challenged.
Two words: PLATFORM SHOES!
Some people have certain criteria
for what they define as hot. Some people can get past their preferences
while others just can't seem to.
Here you have someone who describe
as "incredible." Not a whole lot of "incredible" people cross our paths
and when one does, we need to take notice. It would be a shame if you ended
what sounds like a good relationship because of his height.
One way you may try to get over
this is to focus on the things that you found very attractive about him
to begin with. Whether it's his personality, appearance, the size of his,
er... um... hands... whatever! Emphasize these good traits in your mind.
When you are out and about, consciously try to notice other shorter guys
who are attractive.
If you succeed in getting past
this, GO YOU! If you try your hardest (and I mean try your HARDEST) and
just can't seem to get past this, then you probably need to face the possibility
that the relationship won't work.
Don't make this decision hastily,
though. Remember that an "incredible" person deserves your best shot to
make things work.
Ahhhhh... The excitement of your
"first kiss!" Not to mention the fear it can bring on!
Well, the first thing to do is
not to worry about it so much! Kissing is something that kinda comes naturally
for most. You will probably find that it does for you as well.
Here are some definite don'ts.
#1) eat mass amounts of garlic
and onions beforehand.
#2) don't bite off his tongue!
Nothing spoils the moment more than having to rush to the emergency room
with a tongue on ice!
Actually, different people like
to kiss and be kissed differently. Some people like to think of their tongues
as miners that need to go very deep into a cave to explore what's in it.
Others, however, like to think of their tongues as friendly neighbors who
just want to hang out in the entrance to a home for a small visit.
If you're not sure which you'd
like or are nervous about what to do your first time, try following your
partner's lead and do what he does. After awhile, you may want to improvise
a little according to how you feel.
Now, I'm DEFINITELY NOT telling
you to go out and suck face with every guy out there with a tongue, however,
with time and experience, you'll know what kind of kissing you like.
MUAH! A big wet sloppy kiss for
I've always believed that infidelity is wrong,
and especially the plague of gay relationships. Until, however, this past
month. My lover of three and a half years
took up a second job and some weekend classes,
in order to improve himself. From an economic standpoint he doesn't really
need the extra money, but it's his decision.
As a result of this, our sexual life has really
suffered. My sex drive is enormous and his is rather mellow to begin with,
so my unhappiness shines through. We've had conversations about it, and
he has clearly stated that we shouldn't have sex more than once a week,
and have even started having it by appointed time and days. We've discussed
the possibility of an open relationship, and so far he's shut the idea
down. What makes matters worse is that I've met someone and we've had a
couple of dates, owing to the fact that I have a lot of time alone on my
As far as physical intimacy, nothing has happened,
but I feel myself falling for this guy. And I'm afraid it may force me
to redefine my relationship. I know how you feel about infidelity, but
please give me your broad opinion and maybe a new perspective.
Uneasy in Miami
Hmmmmm... Why are you uneasy?
Does the prospect of betraying your lover of three and a half years and
losing his trust and love by having a lurid roll in the hay make you apprehensive?
WELL, IT SHOULD!
Just because you have a lot of
free time on yer hands doesn't mean you have to go out and start dating
guys behind your lover's back! Use that free time for something constructive.
Save the Whales! Support gay rights! Take up needlepoint! (I hear it's
very relaxing, by the way). But, hon, don't cheat!
Seriously, though, you do have
a problem. Not one that can't be rectified by BOTH of you. It takes two
to tango (more, if you're into the "group thing"). Different people have
different libidos. But... ONCE A WEEK? AND at a predetermined day and time???
Hon, you'll go blind!
#1) You need to cease your "dates"
with this other man! It's only going to lead to future heartbreak and pain
for all involved.
#2) If the person you've been
with for the past several years is indeed your lover (notice the word "love"
in lover), than you owe it to him and to yourself to not betray him or
the relationship. Boy, you need to work it!
Sometimes, after several years
together with the same person, sex can sometimes become somewhat routine.
Try arousing his libido. Make love in new places! Try new, um... er...
positions! Get away for a weekend to a nice hotel somewhere and have romantic
dinners and for dessert, a night of passion. You get the idea... I hope!
You do have a problem, in that
some of your needs that are important to you are not being met. You and
he need to really open the lines of communication and seriously try to
work out some sort of compromise if this relationship is going to last.
Remember that good communication and fair compromises are some big keys
to a successful relationship. But, it has to come from both people involved!
By the way, if you do decide
to take up a hobby to fill that free time, pick up knitting. I can use
a nice hand knitted sweater!
Love ya! Papa
I'm not sure where to turn anymore. I'm 17,
fast approaching 18, & I live in a very conservative, backwaters town
in the middle of rural Alberta. I feel that I dare not come out of the
closet, as another gay teen in this town did so & has been beaten &
taunted several times. Many already believe me to be gay & are very
distant to me because of it.
Thus far I have 'come out' to a couple of my
close friends, who were very accepting & helpful. However, I tried
to tell my mother & she has since become more & more distant from
me. I have not tried to tell my father, as he & I already do not get
along, & this would make matters worse.
I guess I should get to the point... I am having
a lot of trouble keeping myself in check. I very much want a relationship
w/ another guy my age, & I hate keeping a secret that I do not believe
is right to keep. Even my best & wisest friend has pointed out that
I am still not comfortable w/ being gay & honest about it. It hurts
very much to stay where I am... is there anything I can do, any way to
I'm assuming by your email address
that you're from Alberta, Canada.
(God, I'm smart! hehe)
You've definitely taken a good
first step in coming out to close friends. For gay people just starting
to come out, a good support network is usually a good idea. There's strength
One thing that does concern me
is that you are not yet comfortable with your sexual orientation. It has
been my observation that gay people who first take the time to be comfortable
with and accept themselves first, before professing to the world their
sexual orientation atop of a large mountain, do much better in coming out.
You may want to take it just a bit slower at this point until you are comfortable
One way to achieve this is through
exposure. When you start to meet and interact with other gay people, you
tend to get more comfortable with yourself. You begin to feel like you're
"not the only one."
I would suggest trying to find
a gay youth group in your area. Most of the time, these are terrific places
for gay youth to begin their journey down the Yellow Brick Road of Gaydom!
Check the "My Cool Links" section of my page and look under both the Canada
and Youth sections.
Hang in there Romeo. You're Romeo
will be there for ya soon enough!
I really could use your confidential help.
I have not "come out" at all about my sexuality to anyone but the people
involved. You see, I am bisexual and have a very Christian family
that would disown me if they knew the things I've done. I do have
a problem and since I have no one to talk to, I could really use some outside
I met a woman two weeks before I moved 900
miles away (she is also bisexual). I have never met someone that
I've felt so comfortable with in such a short amount of time. I feel
like I've known her all my life. We spent a lot of time together before
I left and I let her know how I felt towards her. She returned those
feelings, saying how easy it is to be with me and around me, and that was
something she's never experienced before (and this woman is older than
me and has had more experiences than I have.)
We didn't talk too much about things before
I left, i.e., how to leave things, so our conversations on the phone
were a little flirty with each other. I talked about coming down
to visit her and some other friends of mine and that's when something happened.
She said that I couldn't stay at her house because, well in her words,
she'd "break down the door" to her extra room just to be with me.
She, just getting out of a relationship about six months earlier, could
not handle those feelings and then me leaving. So we had a talk one
night and she said
she didn't want to lose whatever it is we
have. She said she couldn't be anything more than friends right now,
so we decided that we would just be friends.
I think her feelings for me scare her. She
doesn't want to get hurt, which I certainly understand, and she's pushing
me away because of that. I call on the phone and she's short with
me. She called and apologized for being that way and said she was
having a hard time dealing with the other feelings she has for me.
I don't want to lose her friendship or the
chance of a relationship with her in the future. I don't want her
to forget about me. I'm not going to be pining away for her or close out
any chance of another relationship if it should come along, but I want
to let her know, as we continue to get to know each other, that I think
she is special and that I am interested in her without crossing that "friendship"
Is this just a fantasy or what? What
should I do? Can we really be friends?
Confused 'n the burgh
I'm glad to hear you will not
be closed to another relationship if it were to come along. That's a very
healthy choice! In fact, it sounds like you have both made some good decisions!
She is recuperating from her
break up and may not be ready at this time to deal with those types of
feelings just yet. Sounds like she knows herself and is handling the situation
as best she could.
You two have a good friendship
going and you can continue that. What she needs from you is your patience
and friendship. She needs to go through whatever it is she is going through
to "figure things out."
My advice to you would be to
continue your friendship and be careful to keep an eye on your "love meter"
and don't let it go into the red zone just yet! Understand that when she
is able to move on from her feelings about her last relationship she may
or may not want to have a relationship with you. You need to be ready for
Hope this helps you get a little
I'm glad I found you today. Last Sunday my
lover told me that he can not pretend to be my lover anymore. He said he
feels for me like a brother. But I knew he had a new boyfriend. We had
a 9 year relationship. After 1 year he didn't want to have sex with me.
It was hard for me but I loved him still and I thought he loved me too.
I think he really did.
5 years ago I found out he was fooling around.
It hurt me very much. I hoped it was one night stand for him. But it didn't
stop. He kept moving on to other men. As far as I know, he had 5 different
boyfriends. This new one I think he likes very much so I had a feeling
I had to leave when I found out. But I didn't want to leave when he had
a new boyfriend because I feel like I would be a loser.
Being someone without sex was not hard. But
we had a good life together and happy most time. I tried very hard to make
our life together even though he was fooling around... All those years...
did he pretend to be my lover until he found his dream man. And now he
thinks he found one so I have to leave?
I'm so hurt and cry every night. All those
good memories I had with him will be trashed because of his new boyfriend?
Do I want to see my ex (?) lover still after this? What shall I do?
Love, you need to do something
here. LEAVE! You sound like a very sweet guy who tried to "look the other
way." Unfortunately, that usually NEVER works and you wind up hurting and
This putz is very lucky that
you stuck by his sorry butt for so long. My question to you is, "Why have
you stayed with him???" Hon, you need to move on with your life even if
it means he's not in it.
As much as you love this man,
you need to go your separate ways. You are NOT the loser here, babe. Walking
away from this person is exactly what you should do to be the winner in
Answer some questions for me:
1) Are you a good person?
2) Do you deserve to love
and be loved in return?
3) Is a monogamous relationship
important to you?
4) Does his cheating on
you hurt you?
5) Does he know this hurts
If your answers to these questions
were "yes" than you know what you must do. Pack up your self-respect and
move on out and onward to someone who deserves your love!
I'm 16, still WAY in the closet, and my parents
read the e-mail, so please please please don't respond. If you could just
post, that would be cool.
Anyways, I was on WestHollywood Chat about
a month ago, and I met this great guy who lives about an hour away.
He left me a number and told me to call in a few minutes, and I did, and
I got his roommate, who told me he was sleeping. We had chatted about
meeting in person at a nearby park, and I think I could drive there without
my parents being suspicious since I'm doing a project there. And
I'm really desperate to meet a man I can be myself with. Who knows I'm
gay and likes that. But I get scared when faced with calling him,
and I don't like the idea of sneaking behind my parents' backs, and they
say you should never meet in real life. So what should I do?
Young 'Un in Houston
Hiya Young 'Un!
STOP! DO NOT PASS GO! Especially
at your age, it is a good idea to be careful. How much do you know about
this person? Although there are honest and nice people on the Internet,
there are also some scary people out there as well.
I know you want to "do the gay
thang" real fast but slow down... Take your time here. You have your whole
life ahead of you and it will come. I would suggest you get to know this
person a lot better if you are intent on meeting him. Get to know him on
the phone for awhile more. You may want to ask around and see if anyone
knows him and if he's a good guy and not a crazed ax murderer!
If, after all this, you decide
to meet him, make sure it is in a busy place where there are many people
around for your own protection.
Even better than all this would
be to find a local gay youth group and get involved! It's a great way to
meet people, just like you! J
Be careful Sweety!
My best friend and I "experimented" together
for the first time in December.
We masturbated each other over and over again,
after that he stop associating with me. He just cut off all communication
with me. It was like we weren't even
friends anymore. I want to know what happened.
Did I do something wrong? I
thought that it was all good and I was glad
that I wasn't the only one having
these feelings. Am I gay? I don't feel gay
because I have a girlfriend and
have had many girlfriends in the past.
Gotta tell ya... I love the term
"experiment" as it's used today! When I was growing up, experimenting meant
that you were in some old boring science class cutting up a frog's innards!
(I used surgical gloves, by the way. THESE hands were NOT coming in direct
contact with frog guts!)
D, this is a VERY common experience.
It's called "denial," and as we all know, "De Nile ain't just a river in
What you're telling me by using
the word "experimenting," is that neither you nor your best friend have
labeled yourselves as gay or bisexual. To some, those can be very scary
labels. For some, it is easier to pretend an experience ever happened,
than to face it.
Your friend sounds like he may
feel either embarrassed and/or frightened about what happened between the
two of you. You DID NOT do anything wrong! He is probably not dealing well
with what he has done. Breaking off communication with you is probably
his way of not dealing with what happened.
Give him a little time to deal
with whatever feelings he's having. After awhile, try talking to him. At
first, you'd be better off to not bring up what happened. Let him get comfortable
in your friendship again. After awhile, if you feel like you want to acknowledge
what happened, you may want to speak to him at that point. Don't be surprised,
though, if he is not receptive to speaking about "it."
Are you gay? You're the only
one who can answer that question. Having a girlfriend now and in the past
will not answer that question for you. You need to look deep inside yourself
and, if you are honest and open with yourself, then you will have the answer.
Keep smiling hon,
I am 32yrs old and consider myself heterosexual.
I am attracted to women both physically and emotionally. However, I have
occasionally enjoyed the physical feeling of sex with a man. Its a different
type feeling and while I don't have the intimate connection I have to a
women, I like occasionally being with a man.
As long as I am not in a committed relationship
with somebody is their anything wrong with this and do other people behave
in a similar manner?
Heterosexual who occasionally likes men...
Hi, Heterosexual who occasionally
A great many people behave similarly.
You are definitely not alone! Is there anything wrong with that? Not that
I can see! As long as you are not in a committed relationship and both
parties are comfortable with each other, enjoy!
I've got a huge problem on my hands, and I'm
really hoping you can
help me out, as I have nowhere else to turn.
I'm fifteen, a sophomore in high school with
a great boyfriend whom I find very attractive. However, when we "mess
around" I almost always go along with him just to get it over with. I feel
like I'm denying him something that he should have, so I pretend to have
a good time. Truth is, I'm rather shy when it comes to things like this,
and besides that, I'm not usually having a good time at all! It just
seems so easy for guys to get aroused and know what to do! On top of all
this, I have, as of late, begun to have sexual feelings for females. I
really believe I'd like a female/female experience, but I'll probably never
have one. I have never fantasized about a guy when I masturbate. It's always
girls that excite me like that.
Please help me! Am I bisexual?
Am I homosexual? Am I straight? I'm so confused! What
am I going to say to my friends and family, who assume me to be "normal"
and like only the opposite sex? I find both sexes attractive sexually,
but isn't that normal for teenagers? I'd really like to find out
just what I am!
Thank you very much, Papa!
Worried and Confused
Oh my! Sexuality is SUCH a complex
issue. I think almost everyone is bisexual to some degree. While defining
oneself as either gay or straight is very black and white, I think most
people fall into the very huge gray area in between. Bisexuality includes
everything from casual thoughts about having sex with the same gender to
actually doing it on a regular basis. It also encompasses people who enjoy
it solely for the sexual thrill to people who have the ability to love
people of both genders physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally
What one chooses to label themselves,
if they choose at all, is a personal decision. I label myself as gay even
though thoughts may have, in the past, occasionally gone through
my mind of a relationship with a female. I would say I'm about 99.99% gay,
but that .01% part of me that would have a relationship with a female technically
makes me bisexual. This is why it is not an easy answer when people ask
me if they are gay or not.
I think the answer for you will
come in time as to what you are; whether you decide that you are gay, straight,
bisexual or asexual. (GOD FORBID!!!)
Love ya, Papa
Raising Awareness about Gay-Teen Suicide
And remembering those who we've lost